8 Domains: Relational
by Stephanie Barca, LMSW Resident Therapist
The television show “Friends” ran for ten seasons and had a finale watched by 52.5 million viewers.[1] Soap operas gave generations of consumers decades-long glimpses into the lives of their characters (and some characters’ evil twins) before that, and as those stories began, Dale Carnagie published his 1936 book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It would sell over 30 million copies.[2]
We have a deep interest in relationships, to put it mildly. Connection is central to human experience.[3] With healthy relationships, we can weather life’s slings and arrows with the knowledge that we are supported and cared for. We achieve more with encouragement and acceptance, and our outlook is brighter.[4]
We are physically built for connection. When we are awake and at rest, our brains default to “social mode;” that is, the brain’s default mode works to understand others and our standing with them.[5] The heart, long considered the focus of relationships, has its own “mini-brain” with neurons that send signals to our brain. Those signals can enhance or inhibit how it works. [6]
So why does our relationship-obsessed society have an epidemic of loneliness? In 2023, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy noted that only 39 percent of Americans reported feeling very connected to others.[7] Isolated people experience chronic health issues including the increased risk of heart disease, stroke, anxiety, dementia, and depression. They experience a similar premature death risk as someone smoking 15 cigarettes a day.[8]
Loneliness urges us to reach out for the connection we need to thrive. If we hit upon a healthy, sustaining connection in our flailing, it will alleviate our mental and physical stress. However, lesser relationships siphon our emotional energy and leave us as isolated as before. Loneliness can leave us grasping for bad relationships, alcohol, or substances in an attempt to cope. Dr. Henry Cloud, in “The Power of the Other,” divides these unhealthy relationships into “bad” and “pseudo-good.”[9]
We have all felt the sting of a bad relationship. Some relationships are unquestionably bad, but bad relationships are not limited to ones with patterns of abusive, controlling or manipulative behavior. Perhaps the bad connection is founded on perceived inequality between the parties, and one lets the other know that they will never “measure up.” Other bad relationships form around time and energy imbalances that leave one participant drained and empty. Such relationships will not alleviate isolation.
A pseudo-good relationship is harder to discover because its effects in the short term have the gloss of satisfaction. Our relationships in the pseudo-good column can include codependency or stretching one’s boundaries to engage with the other person. Or it may be, simply, a desire to connect with someone who has their own interests at heart. These relationships feel good for a moment, often until circumstances shift and sacrifices must be made.
How do you begin progress in this domain with health, happiness, and fulfillment at stake? The Eight Domains framework places the answer first with the individual: the Relational Domain requires you to determine the friend/coworker/sibling/etc. that you want to be.
When identifying your values in the Relational Domain, it is helpful to define what a good friendship means to you. Friendships tend to be more fluid than defined family ties or romantic relationships, and the relative importance of other domains can determine the time and energy devoted to friends in a given season. While “Friends” began as a show emphasizing “chosen family,” the end of the series found most of the characters in traditional family relationships.[10]
One friendship chemistry questionnaire found five factors stood out among the participants: candor between participants, mutual interests, a personable demeanor, similarity, and physical attraction.[11] Determining the qualities you wish to express will lead to the people most likely to join you in sustaining, valuable friendships.
Being your best self in this context will not lead to a relationship with everyone, but being everything for everyone is not the goal. Those relationships that last will be healthy and genuine, while those that cannot meet that standard for whatever reason will fall away. And you will know you did all you could.[12] That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt! Grieving a relationship is natural. Grief and sadness tell you that the relationship – and the person- matter to you, and that can be true even where the connection isn’t ultimately sustainable.
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[1] The Last One (Friends). (2024, December 27). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_One_(Friends)
[2] How to Win Friends & Influence People. (2024, December 27). In Goodreads.https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_Influence_People
[3] Gould, W. (2023). Brene Brown: A Champion of Human Connection, Vulnerability, and Authentic Living. Verywell Mind.https://www.verywellmind.com/brene-brown-connection-and-vulnerability-7376723
[4] Seidman, G. (2014) How Good Relationships Can Make You Stronger. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201409/how-good-relationships-can-make-you-stronger
[5] Li, W., Mai, X., & Liu, C. (2014). The default mode network and social understanding of others: what do brain connectivity studies tell us. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/human-neuroscience/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00074/full
[6] HeartMath Institute. Exploring the Little Brain in the Heart: A Journey into Heart-Brain Communication. Articles of the Heart. https://www.heartmath.org/articles-of-the-heart/little-brain-in-the-heart/
[7] US Health and Human Services (2023) Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation; The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
[8] US Health and Human Services (2023) Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation; The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
[9] Cloud, H. (2016). The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, From the Board Room to the Bedroom, and What to do About It. Harper Business.
[10] Thorp, C. (2024). ‘When you're single and in the city, your friends are your family': Why the key message of Friends endures - 30 years on. BBC. 'When you're single and in the city, your friends are your family': Why the key message of Friends endures - 30 years on
[11] Campbell, K., Holderness, N., & Riggs, M. (2015). Friendship chemistry: An examination of underlying factors. The Social Science Journal, 52(2), 239–247. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.soscij.2015.01.005.